Snark vs. Restraint

So today I want to discuss the delicate and necessary balance between SNARKINESS and RESTRAINT. I have almost got it down, not quite all the way, but I’m trying...seriously. Unfortunately, I was cursed with a sense of humor that, for some people, crosses the line into…well…let’s just say it may sort of push the envelope. I have most definite moral lines and don’t believe in laughing at people, unless they totally deserve it. Some subjects I just won’t touch because they are NOT laughable, but where idiosyncrasies or, as I call them, idiot-syncrasies, relationships, money and stuff come in – it’s all fair game. And when people are hysterical, what can you do?

Take Sundays for instance. Sometimes the teachers or speakers are just so funny that (now here is where the RESTRAINT comes into play) all I can do is put my head down and laugh silently to myself and hope the people behind me don’t think the shoulder shaking is because I am choking on a cheerio. Like the time that a very sincere man was talking about the grand experience of attending a church service in downtown London that was filled with African Americans. Really? In London? Were they on a tour? Or the fellow who quoted Saw-crates in Sac. meeting. I was about 13 when that occurred, and I still remember it. Apparently my SNARKINESS developed early. And yes, these things truly happened!

Or when the lady, through her tears, sobbed that, “When you feel a burning in your bosom, you just have to bare it”. She probably meant, “bear it”, but how would one know, what with the shoulder thing and being completely unable to look up. Now this is great – two weeks ago a sister was teaching a lesson, quoting a prophet mind you, who said, “you will be thrust down to hell”. But with her sanctimonious (SNARK here) air she edited the prophet quote and supplied the class with the G rated version and read, “thrust us down to heck”. Wow…that certainly puts a new light on the scriptures. I suppose if we said the real words we would risk eternal darn-ation!

Certain people increase the SNARKINESS factor so I need to sit far away from them if I want to maintain any sort of reverence. My daughters come instantly to mind. Sorry girls, you must have inherited the SNARK gene. If you can work on the RESTRAINT part you will probably survive.

As long as someone doesn’t attempt the Heimlich maneuver on you in the middle of church.

Ample Support for my Melons

Random thing showed up on my door step last night in a cute little sack with tissue paper (definition – “what we use when we are too lazy to look for tape which has now become so commonplace that many of us no longer buy tape”). I figured it was a late anniversary trinket as I just celebrated the 14th anniversary of my 39th birthday. But Noooo. ‘Twas a nursing bra. The note read, “To Diane, For your melons! (or your squash, if you prefer).” Let me explain.

A few months ago my neighbor, Shelby, who has green hands, seriously, the plants rustle and whisper when she walks down the sidewalk, “Look, it’s Shelby, wave…wave…”. Anyhow, she gave a series of little R.S. breakouts all about plants. Can you believe someone can actually make dirt interesting? As she was talking about pollinating cucumbers by hand with a Q-tip, I very innocently asked if the cucumbers enjoyed it. I mean, shouldn’t they? Being the oldest in the group (definition – totally beyond anything sexual – no matter how young the oldest is), they were a bit shocked.

A few minutes later we were discussing different ways to trellis vines. Did you know that even watermelon can be trellised and grow up? But the catch is, you need to support the fruit. Again, very innocently, I suggested using old nursing bras. Not only are they the right shape and size, but they would beautify the neighborhood and you can check on the growth of the fruit with a convenient little peek-a-boo window. What could be more perfect? Aren’t we told to re-use and recycle AND grow a garden?

But since my snack bar closed down many years ago, I am plumb out of nursing bras, so a kind and anonymous soul decided to share. I think I shall use it. And if my garden grows according to plan, you shall see my cup overfloweth.